When can vulnerability backfire?

Some thoughts on the 'soften-up' movement

I. 

We used to like our men tough, now we like them vulnerable.

We used to feel glad when we managed to not cry in public, now we worry that we are not processing our feelings enough.

We once perceived our unemotional fathers as strong, now we describe them as toxic.

SO much has changed in the vulnerability world. What’s funny is how the trait’s reputation was almost diametrically opposite until a few decades ago. No matter what peril struck us, we were expected to ‘toughen up’ and ‘be strong’. We did that. When we became parents, we taught our children (especially sons) the same lessons - ‘don’t cry’, ‘be brave’ and of course ‘toughen up’. Little did we know that these age-old, time-tested, often gendered doctrines of vulnerability would soon become outdated and lead to us being described as ‘toxic’ for promoting them.

A preliminary search on the internet tells me that this attitudinal shift towards vulnerability started somewhere in the 2010s and seems like Dr. Brené Brown had a lot to do with it. Soon, the effects could be seen everywhere. Women began to praise men who cried, and expressed disappointment with men who weren’t as free with their feelings. More people got into therapy. Men on serious dating apps started replacing their shirtless pictures with photos that showed them alongside dogs and women friends. Once it arrived, the soften-up movement settled quickly and at least on the face of it, everybody seems happy with these new changes.

I too mostly think that more emotional vulnerability was good for the world. There’s some stuff that is just obviously helpful about the character trait. It helps you discover your own voice, connect better with people and generally live more authentically. 

Although we talk about vulnerability a lot more now than ever before, it is not a new emotional state that has recently developed use cases. Yet, most of us seem to be still holding the ropes when it comes to learning how to ‘be vulnerable’? Why? What has changed in the last few years?

II. Vulnerability is no longer on auto-pilot (and my hypothesis on why)

Up until recently, vulnerability’s utilities ran on auto-pilot. Meaning our brain directed vulnerability in ways that were prescribed by our evolutionary software. That software was programmed to mostly hide it, definitely not show it to strangers and work towards being tougher and stronger to avoid future instances of vulnerability. Think of what a hunter would have done when he/she felt vulnerable to a bear attack or a rival tribal? An exposed vulnerability could prove fatal for survival.

But now, we live in different times and there is a brand new software in the market that comes with different instructions. One that asks us to act differently in matters of vulnerability - to show instead of hide, to lean towards instead of run away, to embrace instead of avoid, to take pride in instead of be embarrassed about. 

These changes have given rise to a whole set of new questions about the subject for confused folks like me - Should I be vulnerable always? Am I not being authentic if I am not vulnerable to every Tom, Dick and Harry I meet? Will being vulnerable make me more likeable? 

There are times when showing too much vulnerability can be unwise and even dangerous (our ancestors learnt this from experience which is why, I guess, we find it tough to soul-bare on command) but in this new era where vulnerability is a fashionable personality accessory, these cons don’t get discussed. Which is fine because it gives us something to talk about here. 

So,

III. When can vulnerability backfire?

• When you don’t experience psychological safety

  • You don’t share sensitive financial information about your company to the first person who asks you, do you? Same goes with vulnerability. When it comes to intimate relationships, trusting each other with your vulnerabilities can often strengthen your bond but with a stranger, if you’re not sure, it’s okay to not engage in an instantaneous baring-of-the-soul.

• In public settings

  • When not in private and trusted circles, best to employ selective authenticity than complete vulnerability. This is especially true for places like social media. Unveiling your truths on Instagram or Facebook can feel cathartic for a hot moment but may also make you an easy target for online predators (teens, in particular, are susceptible to this). In other cases, attempts at being vulnerable can invite unexpected backlash (for you can never be a 100% politically correct no matter how much you try) which in turn can lower your self esteem and mental health instead of boost it. 

• If past experiences show a pattern (Bayesian thinking)

  • If every time you try to be vulnerable with a person or a group of people, they make fun of you or react crudely, maybe they are not mature or skilled enough to handle your soft spots. This need not always be an acquaintance or colleague, can be an abusive partner too. Use data from your experiences to update your beliefs about what kind of people deserve to see your vulnerable side.

• In professional spaces especially when there is a power hierarchy 

  • If you are the boss, yes, do show your human side to your team, they do usually appreciate it. But also remember that your team might be relying on you to hold your own and lead them. If you are a team member, again, sure, open up if you feel safe but tread carefully when professional and personal boundaries begin to blur, lest it works against you. 

• When you share your wounds (not scars) 

  • You don’t necessarily have to talk about a difficult experience while you are going through it (if you don’t feel ready that is). If you want to talk about your divorce after 2 years of it happening, that’s fine. Don’t worry about the vulnerability police, they’ll eventually move on and find other people to arrest.

• When it morphs into emotional dumping 

  • Remember that everybody is going through something or the other. Unravelling your issues onto people you barely know in the name of building a vulnerable new world might leave the other person feeling drained and less inclined to meet you again. I personally know of a few first dates that never graduated to a second one because one person decided to be vulnerable and the other person refused to be the emotional dumpee.

IV. How do I know if I am being “too vulnerable”?

Observe yourself. If you find yourself bearing the negative consequences of your desire to be vulnerable way too often for your liking, you may want to consider recalibrating. If you are in a happy relationship, your partner would naturally be a good person to talk to about this. If you have a close friend (although if you are doing this recalibration exercise, maybe you also want to recalibrate if the people you consider close are indeed close to you), discuss this with them. If you have a coach or are seeing a therapist, you can bring this up in one of your sessions. If you have a family member who you know will understand and engage with this stuff, ring them up.

V. Vulnerability for vulnerability’s sake?

The point of understanding and expressing our vulnerabilities, if you ask me, is to build resilience. We recognise parts of ourselves that have not healed, parts of us that feel-out-of-control, parts of us that we fear will be judged, and we display them nervously hoping that the receiver has got our back. If we are lucky, it goes well and we feel joyful and accepted and all things wonderful. But even if our bravery goes unrewarded, we can still emerge from the experience as a stronger, more courageous and learned person. 

It’s like how some people deliberately seek out public speaking opportunities despite being terrified of it knowing that they might stammer, stutter, be heckled at, but will leave the stage feeling a little less afraid of speaking at the next event (Mark Zuckerberg says that this is how he got over his fear of public speaking and he’s not the only one).

What I’m trying to say is that in all this new fuss about being vulnerable, don’t lose sight of its goal. Many of us may not want to hear this but the magic of vulnerability lies not in our flaws and ‘weaknesses’ being accepted by another person as much as it lies in us accepting them for ourselves and being willing to grow into bigger, better people. It’s a decent amount of self-work. If you are expecting to do some quick and dirty soul-baring, sit back and watch yourself bloom into a beautiful flower, that’s not going to happen.

VI. Final words

The ability to be unapologetically vulnerable with your loved ones is one of the great joys of life. It’s the stuff great marriages are made of, and what many children value the most about their family. In the past, being ‘weak’ and vulnerable was reserved for family and close friends (if at all) but now we are being asked to extend that sphere to include pretty much everybody, even our bosses.

I’m not saying that this trend is good or bad. What I am saying though is that there’s a reason why we all have our own personal PFC, use it when confused in matters of vulnerability. If, for example, you feel that you are oversharing, it is at least sometimes possible that you may be right. You are living your life and bearing the direct consequences of your actions, so it’s okay to not follow the vulnerability police’s demands always to a tee. 

Lastly, sometimes in all this noise around embracing vulnerability, we forget to think of what it is for. The key to a happy survival lies not just in the sharing of our vulnerability but also in the overcoming of it. 

So soften up, if it helps you. It certainly looks like it does for many. But when needed, don’t be afraid to ‘toughen up’ and ‘be strong’ too.